function updates() {
	var adjectives = ['amazing', 'astonishing', 'astounding', 'awesome',
		'awful', 'baffling', 'mystifying', 'perplexing',
		'stupefying'];
	var i = Math.round(Math.random() * adjectives.length);
	var adverb = document.getElementById('adverb');
	adverb.normalize();
	adverb.firstChild.data = adjectives[i] + 'ly';
	var Ms = Math.round(new Date() / 1e9 - 184.55);
	var age = document.getElementById('age');
	age.normalize();
	age.firstChild.replaceData(0, age.firstChild.data.indexOf(' '), Ms);
	age.href = age.href.replace(/\d+(\Wmillion)/, Ms + '$1');
}